Lorien Letters
by Lucky Obsidian
Summary: AU Humour fic in style of letters written between Haldir and Rumil post HD. Subtle slashy hints - no romance. 2nd Runner up in Official Jorn Benzon-Rumil website comp


Lorien Letters 

An entry to the Official Jorn Benzon (Rumil) Site Comp – Second Runner Up in Fanfic section! 

Note: Suzene Campos did the first concept – and much better.  Credit for a letter fic goes to her!

Late during 3019 of the 3rd age of the Sun

Dear Haldir

Orophin and I were very sorry to hear of your painful demise at Helm's Deep.  We want you to know that we waited weeks and weeks before we sold the things in your Talan.  Orophin cried especially well at your memorial and I made sure there were some weeping maidens to add to the theatrics.   Oh… and I kept your collection of Mirkwood wines.  

Yours truly,

Rúmil of Lorien

*****

My Dearest Brother

It eases my Feä much, to hear that you are grieved by my most unfair demise.  So far, I have enjoyed my heroic passing and have wandered the Halls in my flowing white silk robes whilst avoiding the blasted Noldor.  They are everywhere – they constantly whine about these jewels they lost and then the Teleri get involved and call them names so a fight ensues.  Most distressing to watch grown elves pulling hair and slapping in the style of elf maids. 

Anyhoo… Please enjoy my collection of Mirkwood wines.  Please also tell Orophin that he can have my spare red cloak, although he'll never look as grandly hot as I did. 

Am thinking of you from my lofty place at Mandos' side, will also think of you both as the lovely Valier Nienna hand feeds me grapes later this eve.  They do that a lot here… 

Haldir 

Greatest Marchwarden Ever

*****

My Dearest Dead Big Bro

I'm glad, that you are glad, that we are glad, you are dead.  Orophin pawned the cloak to buy pipeweed.  He is turning into an unkempt ranger sort – most unpretty.  I have been promoted – am now a Captain and will be leading a troop to guard his Lordship on his way to Mirkwood for the big renaming ceremony.  Hope you are enjoying Mandos' Halls.  Say hello to the Noldor elves and don't forget to tell Feanor and Finrod you saw Galadriel in the buff that time…

Rumil –

Captain of the Personal Guard 

(PS.  You never made Captain, did you?)

*****

Dearest Little (and I do mean little) Brother

Took your advice and spoke to the Noldo.  Told them about Lorien and how we all saw Galads naked that time at elfling camp.  Finrod gave me a black eye and Feanor cried.  Am now in hiding with Tulkas – who wears nothing but a leather thong all day! I am not amused.  Am sending an eagle to poop on you!

Haldir the Glorious Dead

*****

Dear Corpse

The eagle missed and got Orophin – Celeborn says to tell you HE is not impressed and is going to tell Galadriel to pay you a visit! Ha Ha!  Sweeeet!

Rumil the Gloriously Alive 

*****

Dear Upstart Elf whose diapers I used to change

Don't forget I still have the pics of you and Velossewen… 

Haldir 

Tulkas' Roomie

*****

Dear Hal

No you don't – you are dead.

Rumil 

*****

To the Remaining Lorien Brothers

I have learned of your outstanding grief and bravery from your dearest friend Legolas and have decided to re-embody your lost brother Haldir.  My sister Nienna is most upset but not nearly as much as brother Tulkas.  Manwe is alarmed and has bid me do this for you ASAP - Take him… please!

Mandos the Vala

*****

Dear Big Vala Dude

Rumil is reelly, like, upset. He's been running all over Loreein and says we r movin two Erin..Erinn…Eryn lasgiln..Eryn las…Mirkwood.  We aint suppost two tell Haldir – it's a seekret game.  I like games.  Did you know a big eagle came and pooped on me? I was reelly stinky for awhile but a nice bath with Lord Celeborn made me nice again.  That's another seekret game.  Im not suppost to tell anywon.  Shhh!

Gotta go – Rumil can't find his arrow proof cloak

Orofin of loreein xxx

*****

Dear Rumil

I will find you… You can run but you can't hide!  

Haldir

*****

Hal

You couldn't fight your way out of a wet paper bag.  Im staying with King Thrandy and he says we can live in his cave until the end of Arda, as long as Orophin bunks with him.  It's a done deal – you can't touch me. I so rule!

Rumil – the Elven Kings Pal

Ps – Eryn Lasgalen is still host to spiders, my pet one is called Adolf and he knows your scent 'Eau de Smug', don't even think of coming here.

TBC?


End file.
